Barriers to Entry

Picture it-- I'm going through my closet and realize I have so many clothes, but nothing to wear. This absolutely sucks ass (excuse moi français) when you're already going to be late for class. Luckily I am great in a crisis and threw together something that looked planned and chic (yeah I wanted to say fierce but its used so loosely these days). As I exit my condo I can hear the mailboxes opening and closing and this can only mean one thing: the sexy ass mail-man is within range. Usually I would wait for him to leave and simply watch him walk away; for some reason today I was feeling myself and decided to check my mail while he was finishing filling the other boxes. I'm one of those people who won't speak unless the other person does (rude boy) and most black men will simply give a head nod. To my suprise I heard a baritone growl, "Good morning. On your way to work?" 'Yeah, something like that." "Well don't mind me. *then he smiles*" "I don't." "What did you say?" "--ugh I got to go. Have a nice day." Yeah I bitched up, but you would have too. His smile was pristine and he smelled of expensive cologne. No fucking mail-man should be 6'5 and fucking flawless. I'm sure he gets all kinds of phone numbers in this joint. See I live in an upscale condominium on the west side of town-- no I'm not bragging because I'm poor as hell. The only reason I live here is because my mom is my landlord and gives me a nice discount on the rent (I love mommy). Oh where was I? Yeah about my place; its full of professional, single, too damn independent females. My girl Symone lives across the hall and she is always pushing up on me even though she knows how I get down. Its a sad state when black women run out of options. Anyhow, she has been trying to get with Mayne (the mail-man). We don't know his name so we decided upon Mayne. The only problem is he isn't biting her bait and so she sent me to do her dirty work. "I think he must be a faggot--- ahem no offense." "None taken." "Damn I got all this ass and titties...waist tiny as a bitch and I can't get no man? What the fuck.", she carried on in her own zone not even looking at me. Everytime Symone said something she thought was clever you'd here her chime in... "Fuck the dumb shit though." Long story short I was supposed to report to her what I found out; which ended up being nothing. I'm not the type of guy that could ever approach another. That is one of my biggest hang-ups. I guess you can say I am shy, but maybe that is just an excuse. Usually it would make my day to brag in Symone's face how Mayne was digging me like an old soul record, but somehow I couldn't clock his T. Part of me felt as if he was trying to come on to me, but then you have to remember I have been celebate for quite sometime-- I might have saw and heard what I wanted to at the time. "Damn I gotta quit letting Symone talk me into this shit," I thought aloud and then my phone rang. "Yo come get me. Come get me right fucking now!" "Keegan? Whats wrong." "My fucking moms and Kai got into it again. I'm too upset to drive. COME GET ME" "I'm on my way to class. I can scoop you up but your ass better be ready." "I don't care I will chill at your lil' college until you get out. I just need to get away." As I shifted the gears of my stick and changed lanes I thought about how everytime I am trying to do something for myself someone comes a long and bothers me. Then I decided to retract the previous thought. Keegan has been really good to me and the least I could do was help him out. As I pulled into Keegan's subdivision I looked around at all of the manicured lawns and gigantic homes. Of course Keegan's home was the tallest on the block. Just last year he had a second floor added to his ballers pad; "Must be nice", I thought. As I pulled up to the drive way Keegan was pacing his sidewalk; back and forth as he yelled into his phone. I couldn't make out the words for Jill Scott's "Come See Me"; I turned down the radio and I could tell from his tone he was talking to Kai. Every other word was "motherfucka". "Hey sexy, you looking for a date?", I yelled. Keegan came and got into the car still cursing up a storm. I listened to that shit for a few minutes while I drove to class and finally he hung up on Kai. Needless to say I was pleased; Jill Scott resumed. There was silence for a few seconds and then Keegan said something that I thought was profound. "Why is it the ones who you love the most betray you first?" I knew it was a rhetorical question and so I changed the subject, "You just need some air bro". "You know, I think you might be right. I'm breaking up with Kai." "Whoa, I didn't tell you to go to that extreme." "Kai called my mom a bitch today....to her face. I know my mother is hell on wheels, but nobody NOBODY is going to disrespect her." I was silent because I knew Keegan was serious. We were pulling up to my school and I was eyeing the handicapped spots when I remembered Keegan was with me. I didn't want him to judge me so I opted not to park illegally. "Sounds like what Kai did was dead wrong, but you've got too much invested in this relationship. You guys are in business together for Christ's sake. Calm down. Go check out our library or the rec center. I'm running a little late; are you going to be alright? Do you want my car keys?" "Nah, baby boy its all good. I'm going to go try to get into some ball or if that fails I'll get into a book. Shit I just might find me a college shorty to replace that ZERO." "Cut that out", I said as I laughed and went to class. All during Political Theory I was thinking about the pedestal we all put on the state of being in love. Are we programmed to feel incomplete unless we have it all at once? You know, the car, job, apartment, man, and cash flow. Its amazing how when one of these aren't going right we tend to forget we still have all of the others. The professor was discussing Hitler's propoganda technique and how he used it to brainwash his followers into believing that Jewish people were out to get them. Kind of how George Bush convinced the American people that there were Weapons of Mass Destruction; but that is another story. Have we allowed society to dictate what our definition of happiness should be? Do I feel like 3/4 of a man because I am single with no prospects? Do I go out of my way to assure my friends I am single-by-choice to cover up the fact that I probably do feel less-than being solo? So many questions were running through my mind and suddenly--- "Nikoah am I boring you? You seem to be daydreaming", the Professor said as a couple of students laughed. "No--well actually I am a bit disenchanted, but only because I actually read the assigned chapters unlike some people (glaring at the keekee-ing students)" I went on a 5 minute rant about how Hitler used his people for personal gain and why it was relevant to society today. That will teach her to front me. As I was leaving class I saw Keegan in the hallway talking to a really beautiful Korean girl named Aoki-Lee. I envied Keegan's natural ability to make friends and conversation with people. Maybe if I were that open I wouldn't be so limited. "I see you've met my friend Aoki-Lee; isn't she stunning?", I said (also while making a note to myself how gay that sounded). Keegan smiled and handed Aoki-Lee his phone-- she typed in a number and handed it back to him. I laughed as she walked away and I saw a look on Keegan's face as he looked at her supple ass (which I happened to notice was phat for the first time). Keegan was talking, but I was listening (just laughing on cue). I was a bit disturbed that I never notice Aoki-Lee's phat ass before. I mean I once considered myself bisexual until I tried to eat pussy freshman year and had an allergic reaction. No seriously, she was wearing a bunch of body spray down there and it flared up my asthma. I figured it was a sign that pussy wasn't for me. Anyhow, I just came to the realization that I must be *gulp* all the way gay. I took a moment to think about it, but then I felt a nudge on my shoulder. "Whats on your mind bro? Political Theory couldn't have been that fucking interesting. What do you think about her?" "I think she is nice and bro did you see all that ass?" (I was not about to be outdone by Keegan's masculinity. Hell I even walked with a fake swag all the way to my car.) Its late and I should be sleeping, but I'm up thinking as usual. Mostly about the walls we build to block people from getting in only to find that we are actually trapping ourselves in--to suffocate. Little by little-- everyday I'm going to try to break down some of these barriers to entry. You only live once and as soon as I start living right once will be enough.